Iron Man codpiece in my life, whether I like it or not
WARNING: This article is historically accurate about sensitive topics and therefore not suitable for anyone, because history was horrible.
The other day I was checking some rankings for this site. I’m always trying to rank for the obvious, like Iron Man Ablative Armor, Ablative Armor Iron Man, Model 23, and any combination thereof. But then I found out I was ranking—and indeed, climbing— for a very specific phrase.
I’m finally making a difference in this world!
Yeah, that’s right. I’m ranking for the phrase “iron man codpiece.” Was this my life’s goal? No. Was I even trying? Please believe me when I say no. Am I more than pleased? You know it!
Iron Man Codpiece
There are only so many ways that you can switch up the words “Iron” “Man” “Ablation” and “Armor.” I’ve done pretty well ranking for the phrases for the 10 people a month (out of 7,600,000,000) searching for it. Sure, I still have the big fish like ironman.fandom and marvel.fandom to chase in the rankings, but they’re not going after “iron man codpiece.” And those big fish aren’t going after cod fish, for that matter. And nobody’s going for the movie Big Fish starring Ewen McGregor.
Only use cod to cover your stuff if you’re naked in an Austin Powers movie.
So now that I’m near the top for all those ablation terms, maybe it’s time I set my sights on something new. Something interesting. Something crotchtastic.
Codpiece Iron Man
Hey there, Wikipedia. How you doin’? Thanks to the world’s greatest resource when it comes weird sex things you wouldn’t usually look up, I’ve learned a bit more about codpieces. Kinda wish I hadn’t.
Here’s something interesting: cod is a Middle English word for “bag” or “scrotum.” What that has to do with a piece that covers the genitals, I don’t…ohhhhhh, wait, I get it.
Pants haven’t always been pants. In the fourteenth century, men’s trousers or hose used to be two separate leg parts; even after they joined they still left an open area in the region of men’s genitals. The cloth codpiece came along to remedy that, usually held on by buttons or strings.
“Ladies…”
But then fashion really took over, and, like most fashion, it was stupid. The codpiece went from “please don’t look, thank you,” to “hey, look at my junk! My junk is here. RIGHT. HERE!”
Dressed for a 14th century Zoom call.
And, like so many, many things, it got worse. So…much…worse…
“Hello there!” – Ewen McGregor, but not in Big Fish.
When it came to suits of armor, codpieces weren’t necessarily about protecting the groin. They actually followed fashion, not function.
The part of the museum they skip on “Kindergarten Field Trip Day.”
Iron Codpiece Man
Well, if I’m ranking in the 30s for searches of “iron man codpiece,” who’s beating me? As you might expect, it’s custom costumers and cosplayers who are making Iron Man costumes, showing off their talents, swapping information. More power to them and their codpiece enthusiasm.
Cod Fish Piece Man
How does this relate to the fish called the cod? We don’t know. Some sources say they are tied etymologically, but there’s no clear evolution from “fish” to “chickenskin dufflebag.”
Iron Cod Man Piece Man Ablative?
Let’s talk about the Ablative Armor’s codpiece. First of all, it can’t be practical. It seems to follow the Punisher’s “if I do a somersault I will puncture my small intestine” school of thought.
Twinsies!
Next, why is it so pronounced? As I mentioned on one of my pages regarding design theories for the Ablative Armor, maybe it’s just about extra protection. Tony Stark is a ladies’ man, after all. Since Axol is meant to be used in “impact-rich environments,” about 49% of the human population might not mind an extra piece of armor where it counts. There are cups, and then there’s extra protection during a penalty kick.
Even a polymer kiln and a forcefield can’t put them back into place after a bad hit.
In the end, I think we can all just be glad that Tony (and the artist and editors at Marvel) didn’t have a significantly more historical representation of what a codpiece actually was.
Anybody else kinda scared of that section at the bottom of the Ablative? Please no twinsies.
Check Back Codpiece!
I’m sure you all want to know how my rankings are after this blog. Keep checking back to find out. Page 1 for “iron man codpiece,” here I come! (UPDATE HERE!)
But before that, it’s important to consider what we’ve learned.
Armor codpieces were more fashionable than protective.
They were considerably more protuberant than necessary.
Wipe your browser history after researching codpieces.
Looks like Destroyer? Check. Dutch angle? Check. Still, I don’t remember this wang in the first Thor movie.
