Fine, there’s some bad in Iron Man 3
Two blogs ago I discussed all the Good (and Great) parts of Iron Man 3, one of my favorite Marvel movies. In the most recent blog I talked about the stuff that’s a mixed bag, things that kinda worked but kinda didn’t.
Well, this is the last week I’m taking a break from talking about Iron Man’s Ablative Suit so that I can finish this series. I hate to end on a down note, but today I’m going to go over the things that aren’t my favorite about this movie, even as it remains one that I can never turn off if it’s on TV.
And just like when something bad happens in real life, I’m going to try to soften the blow with humor.
The (Non-Ruinous) Bad
The Obvious Bad Guy
Pay no attention to the Mandarin’s lackey who is getting his own poster for some reason.
You might not realize that the Mandarin twist is coming, but it’s pretty obvious that Killian is evil at some level.
Killian shows up at the very beginning, then just 12 minutes later. He shows Pepper a light-show of his brain for some reason (I honestly can’t remember why after seeing the movie six times now.) Then Pepper rebuffs him because the thing he’s shown her could be weaponized...even though it could also cure every disease and malady on the planet.
Was showing up at Stark Industries really all just some ploy to trick Pepper into remembering who Killian was so that Maya could stop by later to say that she thinks her boss Killian is working for the Mandarin so that Pepper would go with her and Killian could capture Pepper even though he tried to kill Pepper and Maya and Tony with a helicopter missile and even though Pepper and Maya escaped he still wants to capture Pepper to use as a pawn against Tony even though he still thinks that Tony drowned in Malibu? Nevermind, I withdraw the question.
Too Many Coincidences
J.A.R.V.I.S. gets the boot jets online the moment Tony needs to escape from the ocean. Tony shows up in Rose Hill the same night Killian’s people are there to pick up an important packet at the bar. Tony picks the perfect garage that has everything he needs, including an assistant.
Fire Breathing
Yeah, one step too far.
Remote Control
I don’t have problems with the remote control aspect per se. I have problems with the fact that Tony never has to be in the suit ever again. Why put yourself in danger if you can just fly remote? For that matter, why not just send a J.A.R.V.I.S.-guided suit to save Air Force 1? If J.A.R.V.I.S. can control 34 suits at one time, he could control a single suit even better. Perhaps I’m being too harsh, considering many of the issues of J.A.R.V.I.S. taking on too many responsibilities is a main plot point in Age of Ultron.
This man is playing Galaga!
Nobody Knows Tony Stark’s Address? Seriously?
Bull. If a paparazzi didn’t follow him home one night (not hard to do with Tony’s flashy cars), then people would definitely figure it out by wondering, “who owns that huge house on a cliff in Malibu? Let’s use a telephoto lens and — oh look, there’s Tony on the deck.” Oh, not to mention the dozens of women that he’s bedded there and then sent home in a cab. And oh, yeah, dozens of people at his party in Iron Man 2.
If the problem is that Tony threatened the Mandarin, fine. Just don’t pretend that the world doesn’t know where Tony lives.
Maya Just Walks Up To the Front Door
Also bull. Even if you believe that Tony’s address is secret, he just gave his address on national television. That means dozens of reporters are camped out at the end of his driveway. Yet Maya Hansen can just walk on up to the front door?
Tony Is a Botanist Now?
Tony is one of the smartest people on the planet, no doubt. Probably top one, maybe top two once Mr. Fantastic shows up in the MCU. But everything we’ve ever seen him do involves mechanics and physics, maybe a bit of chemistry. Remember back in Avengers when he learned thermonuclear astrophysics overnight? All of that is energy, light, physics. But not biology.
You might say that Extremis was all about energy, but there are also years of biology behind it. Suggesting that he could provide a huge boost to Maya’s research in one night stretches credulity…and is an insult to botanists everywhere.
You’re like Einstein and
Mr. Tree Lawn Service
rolled into one!
Maya’s Death
Speaking of Maya, her death just seemed exploitative and unnecessary. I understand, killing her is a screenplay shortcut for “we’re letting you see just how bad and heartless Killian is, because we haven’t really seen him be horrible yet.” But I wish they’d found a better way. (Also, Killian isn’t holding a gun and then suddenly he is.)
And speaking of kills…
The Kills
There was this time around 2013 where the gun violence got pretty bad in Marvel movies. Iron Man 3 and Winter Soldier are perfect examples. While every MCU movie has been PG-13, those two in particular seemed to get too violent for young kids. It’s one thing when a PG-13 movie like Mission: Impossible is aimed at adults, but the shootings on Air Force 1 just seemed a bit much for a Marvel movie.
We’re also not sure just how many people Tony killed at the compound. It seemed like everything was non-lethal, but he got very rough with the henchmen in the dungeon. Also this…
The unconscious guy in the fountain is going to drown.
Tony is a honey badger.
So Much Info From One Password
Tony gets into AIM’s files via Rhodey’s password. But would any of the information about Extremis be so readily accessible? Why would AIM keep that information remotely close to files that the government has access to via the simple password WARMACHINEROX?
I could see Tony hacking those video files from his home, but he didn’t have the codebreaking software with him to do this in the communications van.
The Mechanic
It’s good to see Tony improvise. After all, that’s what he did in the cave to make the Mark 1. But it’s also a bit silly to see him going into a fully-armed compound with a shock glove and exploding Christmas ornaments. The meta-knowledge that RDJ wanted to spend as little time in the armor as possible (he only spends 4:20 in a full Mark 42) doesn’t help this admittedly fun scene.
The Slide Under Killian
Tony just saw Pepper fall a hundred feet into a flaming building. He’s mad at Killian (a rage that honestly doesn’t last long enough), so he starts running at him. Killian goes high. Tony goes low and slides under him, then gets a big hug from Nightclub.
Ow. Also, ow ow ow ow ow ow.
Except that they’re on a walkway of an all-weather oil rig, and that type of flooring is specifically made so that you won’t slip and slide. If Tony attempted to slide like that in real life, he would have made it about three inches; his shirt would tear, and his back would bleed. And Tony would be helpless on his back once again, just like a turtle.
Where’s Shades?
I ask this question all the time, but I’m gonna keep asking it: Why didn’t J.A.R.V.I.S. send Shades to Tony when the House Party shows up at the Roxxon oil rig? I mean, I love Silver Centurion, and having Tony in the ol’ SC is an excellent nod to the comic books. But Shades (Mark 23) is an armor resistant to high heat, which is exactly what Tony was fighting at the time. So if you have 34 armors to choose from, why not start with Shades? Or even Tank? Anything a little bit more robust than a stealth suit like Nightclub, which was the second suit Tony donned. Shades is the only way to go.
“Pick me, I’m filled with asbestos!”
832 Miles
“Hey Ponytail Express, what’s the mileage count between Tennessee and Miami?” First of all, Tennessee is 120 miles from north to south, which would throw off any estimates since a specific town wasn’t mentioned. Second, I don’t mind someone being able to access that information in their brains; people have lots of talents. But what are the chances that Tony would ask one person and that one person would just happen to have the information? Pretty much nil.
But it gets worse. From the time we see the remaining pieces of Mark 42 bust out of Harley’s garage until they end up on Tony’s body totals 52 seconds. That means the pieces were traveling at an impossible 57,600 miles per hour. That’s three times faster than a space shuttle in orbit. That’s mach 75, when the fastest jet in our world can “only” reach 6.7. Such a speed is simply not possible for mechanical objects, even in the MCU. Air friction would tear them apart, made worse by the fact that the individual parts aren’t aerodynamic.
“Captain, we’ve just been passed by something that looks like a flaming
codpiece.”
“I Am Iron Man”
The entire theme of Iron Man 3 is Tony Stark trying to come to terms with his relationship with/as Iron Man. He’s implanted parts of it into his body and linked it up to his brain with a headset. He’s become Iron Man, and it’s driving him (and Pepper) nuts.
So at the end of the movie, he’s come to terms with it via the Clean Slate Protocol. Not only are all of his suits destroyed, but he also undergoes a procedure to remove the arc reactor from his chest in order to distance himself from the suit. The movie has been about finding himself, and destroying what had consumed him was the only way to do it.
And then the final line of the movie: “I am Iron Man.”
I was hoping I didn’t hear that right…
No no no no no no no.
While it’s fun fan service to repeat the closing line from the first movie — one that betrayed decades of conventional superhero norms of secret identities — those four words just doesn’t make sense for the story. To bring it full circle, the line obviously should have been, “I am Tony Stark.” In fact, that’s what the junior novelization has, which means at one time a cut of the film or version of the script also had the right line.
Why go with the line they did? This movie was the last one that RDJ was contractually obligated to do. He said he’d consider doing more if Marvel “backed the money truck up to his door.” If he said “I am Tony Stark,” RDJ says that’s it’s okay for the MCU to go on without him. By saying, “I am Iron Man,” he lays claim to the character and leaves the door open a bit wider so that fans will clamor and Marvel will pay.
No, I Really Do Like It!
Despite tearing into it a bit, I still enjoy Iron Man 3 very much and put it in my top 1/3 of MCU movies. The fact is, I like it so much that I keep watching it, and I’ve watched it so many times that it’s impossible not to see a few flaws. In the end, though, it’s just a fun movie that doesn’t deserve the hate it gets. There are a lot of good movies in the MCU, and I’d watch this over most of them.
See you next time when I’m back to talking about Model 23, the Ablative Suit. Because that’s what I do around here.
“Seriously, he never stops.”
